it is funny how much knowledge we assume ourselves acquired in our time in this dreary existence called life, when in truth, we are only as knowledgeable as the words we utter...
like i said in my previous post, i had not been able to divulge my health status even to the closest of my friends, and that has me wondering what kind of frindship we have if i can;t talk about some of the things that matter to me most, especially since it doesn't look like a problem that will go away in a day.
i remember just after getting the news from my doctor, i had done my share of crying, and blaming myself, i had even looked up everything i could about the disease, so i can be well informed, and know what it it i need to do, and what not...
on one of the websites i had visited, i had read that it was a good idea to join a support group and share with at least one person i felt close to so that whenever i felt down, i would have someone to raise my spirit and such.
on one such occasion, i was haning out with a couple of my very close friends when one of them starte dfeeling sick and presenting with mono-like symptoms. seeing as how i am in the medical profession, i mentioned this to her and suggested that she see her doctor and get the accurate diagnosis, and treatment.
the next thing i know, she had flared up, and was just shouting about how she doesn't have mono, and how mono is a kissing disease and she doesn't have that and she never would as though only people who run around get mono. i tried explaining to her that that is not how it worked, but she would not hear any of it. she was hell bent on the issue of the type of people who end up with mono and other sorts of commnicable diseases.
to hear her say such a thing was sort of appalling, because this was someone about to get her doctorate in psycology, and at the time, only thing i could do was pray for her would be patients and keep mum. in thinking back, i suppose i should have said something to her about what i was going through, and maybe then she would have realized that it her views of people with these diseases weren't completely true, but i guess i was held back by societal beliefs as well, and so i couldn't blame her for seeing things that way.
i have tried other times to tell my friends, but something always held me back. as much as i have told myself that i do not share the general public's opinion of who is affected by what disease and why, i am still hindered by the effect on me if for some reason it became known to the public. i suppose at the end of the day, i am afraid of crucifixion.
lately though, i have been thinking a lot and i have realized that in order to truly heal, i have to be able to share what i am going through, and that is the only way to move on from this...
it has also got me thinking abot the friendships i keep. don't get me wrong, i think my friends are great, i just need to figure out if i have issues trusting people anymore (ya even have to ask, of course i have trust issues now! help), or if my friends just can't be trusted to not persecute me like most of them have persecuted others without knowing i am in the same boat.
i need to figure it out really soon because i am tired of being stuck in the past, i need to grow, and to move on and I NEED HELP!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
how i became a symbiont
it was the spring of 2001, i was getting ready for graduation and had been dating a guy i thought was the best...
i had met him the fall of 2000, but we did not start dating until february of 2001.
it was the perfect time, or so it seemed. i was going to graduate, and move away from home. i had started looking for jobs, my bf had been talking about moving in together because our love was made from heaven and we should spend every minute of every day in each other's arms.
before we'd gotten intimate, we'd had the talk that most couples have and each had established that he was clean, except he has herpes and never said a word. i still don't know how it happened, and i shudder to think he contracted it by cheating, but for whatever reason, he had it and I never knew.
it was a about a week after i got intimate with him that i realized something was wrong, but as naive as i was back then, i shoved it into a possible shaving episode gone wrong.
i broke up with him not too long after this for reasons i may discuss later on.
it would take me a couple of years to finally have this checked out ( i spent none of that period sleeping with anyone, in case you wondered). i spoke with my doctor who confirmed what i had begun to fear. i have herpes, and my idiot ex had given it to me, and in all my naivette, i had not realized it for a while. i am now harboring a species inside of me i had no control over. it was to go wherever i go, and it would get its nourishement from me, and i had no say over it.
i was going to be reminded of idiot ex everyday, because even tho we weren't any longer, he had given me, without my consent mind you, something i couldn't completely get rid of until i go six feet under.
life is soo unfair.
i felt unwhole.
i left the doctor's office and all i wanted to do was cry. all i did do was cry. i kept telling myself it wasn't my fault and i did not do anything wrong, but i did not believe it. i kept reverting to the moment we first got intimate and wished we hadn't been, but there was no way i could have predicted what would happen.
i have not been able to share this with anyone, and not even my closest friends know. i hope to be able to tell someone soon, and i need to be able to absolve myself of whatever blame i have been placing on myself, for whatever reason.
try as i may, i haven't been able to come to terms with this. i am ton between feeling like why did ths happen to me, and it could have been worse.
and i am praying that i get the release i have long searched for by expressing my feelings in this medium.
i had met him the fall of 2000, but we did not start dating until february of 2001.
it was the perfect time, or so it seemed. i was going to graduate, and move away from home. i had started looking for jobs, my bf had been talking about moving in together because our love was made from heaven and we should spend every minute of every day in each other's arms.
before we'd gotten intimate, we'd had the talk that most couples have and each had established that he was clean, except he has herpes and never said a word. i still don't know how it happened, and i shudder to think he contracted it by cheating, but for whatever reason, he had it and I never knew.
it was a about a week after i got intimate with him that i realized something was wrong, but as naive as i was back then, i shoved it into a possible shaving episode gone wrong.
i broke up with him not too long after this for reasons i may discuss later on.
it would take me a couple of years to finally have this checked out ( i spent none of that period sleeping with anyone, in case you wondered). i spoke with my doctor who confirmed what i had begun to fear. i have herpes, and my idiot ex had given it to me, and in all my naivette, i had not realized it for a while. i am now harboring a species inside of me i had no control over. it was to go wherever i go, and it would get its nourishement from me, and i had no say over it.
i was going to be reminded of idiot ex everyday, because even tho we weren't any longer, he had given me, without my consent mind you, something i couldn't completely get rid of until i go six feet under.
life is soo unfair.
i felt unwhole.
i left the doctor's office and all i wanted to do was cry. all i did do was cry. i kept telling myself it wasn't my fault and i did not do anything wrong, but i did not believe it. i kept reverting to the moment we first got intimate and wished we hadn't been, but there was no way i could have predicted what would happen.
i have not been able to share this with anyone, and not even my closest friends know. i hope to be able to tell someone soon, and i need to be able to absolve myself of whatever blame i have been placing on myself, for whatever reason.
try as i may, i haven't been able to come to terms with this. i am ton between feeling like why did ths happen to me, and it could have been worse.
and i am praying that i get the release i have long searched for by expressing my feelings in this medium.
Friday, October 19, 2007
intro
This post will be mainly about what I have been through in life.
It is mostly a medium through which I can get out the words that are stuck in my throat, and the feelings I have not been able to express in as long as I have had them...
Whatever is posted is neither intended to hurt nor please anyone, so feel free to leave a comment or share your experiences as well
It is mostly a medium through which I can get out the words that are stuck in my throat, and the feelings I have not been able to express in as long as I have had them...
Whatever is posted is neither intended to hurt nor please anyone, so feel free to leave a comment or share your experiences as well
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